Random Rants & Ramblings

Its been a while since I did a list of random rantings, so here it goes:

- Is it a bad thing when the man driving a hearse waves hello to you? I was walking to work Monday morning, and as I was passing the nearest funeral home their hearse was coming around a corner & the driver (who I DO know) waved a cheerful "Howdy!" out the window. I mean, its always nice to be acknowledged, but...

- I've decided that the litter problem in my neighborhood could be solved in a heartbeat if the local convenience stores would offer a $.5 cent refund for each chip bag (potato, tortilla, Cheeto, etc) that is turned back in to the stores. Just between my house and my office I could have made over 30 cents-- and that's without spending a penny of my own! If the slobs who leave their crap all over the sidewalks thought they could be making money from their trash, there would be riots in the streets, with crack ho's & hustlers scrapping over the Frito bags in the gutters...

- Once again last night, I was awakened by angry shouts echoing against the front of my house. I couldn't make out the exact words, but it was clearly a woman & she was PISSED!!!! I walked to my bedroom window (which faces the alley) and saw a man (unknown to me) standing at the top of the alley, looking towards the street where the donnybrook was unfolding. He was shaking his head and the words, "Stoopid BITCH..." were carried to my ears. By the time I made it to the front hall window, I could hear the approaching police cruisers' engines as they accelerated up the street. In short order, 4 city cruisers & two sheriffs vehicles had blocked the area, and the combatants (a "business" couple who fight as often as the wind blows) were being questioned separately. The cops must not have kept the man, because I just passed him on my return to work-- he nodded hello, like we were old friends. This same man, who was arrested a year ago while a passenger in a stolen vehicle, who attempted to hide his "stash" in a dirty diaper-- NOTE: This doesn't work-- the drugs dogs will still find your shit... literally. No, he is not my friend, just in case there was any lingering doubt.

See, I WASN'T Lying!!

It only took a month to get the picture of myself, posing with a co-worker (my right) and John Ratzenberger (see earlier post). Long story short, my co-workers and I were feeling NO pain by the time this picture was taken-- why else would I be caught dead wearing the bizarre coat of many colors? A new friend loaned it to me, as the temps had dropped into the unseasonable 20'sF and the wind was whipping-- hence my wild hair-- at arctic blast levels). Enjoy ~

Have you ever been...

...thrown under a (metaphoric) bus?
Well I have-- it ain't pretty.

But I don't want sympathy.
Flat people have no need of sympathy...
They need revenge.

R-E-V-E-N-G-E spelled in capitol letters.

What I want from my readership are suggestions. What are some of the best "revenge moments" you've experienced? I don't know what prize I'll offer to the best story-- maybe a chance to guest-blog for me (NOTE: that is something NO ONE has gotten to do since this blog was born).

In theory, the revenge story winner would be like my baby's very first baby-sitter. I'm sure there are some utterly competent care-givers amongst you... Of course, it might be the most twisted revenge story to which I am drawn, so there's a good chance I will be handing my baby into the arms of a sadist. That has its own appeal as well.

You have your orders: send me your best revenge story (l_e_stewart@hotmail.com). I can guarantee anonymity (if so desired), but I can't prevent prosecution if the story hits law enforcement circles and gets traced back to moi. Contest deadline 11/17/06

So, let me hear it, people... As for me, I'm heading out in search of the only OTHER known antidote to a metaphoric flattening: booze.

Looks Like A Harriet Carter Christmas

For those of you who are familiar with the Harriet Carter catalog, you will be amused to hear that my mother has entered what I affectionately call the Harriet Carter Years-- the time when all of the marvelously tacky (yet useful) items peddled in the catalog not only serve a purpose, BUT also become viable Christmas presents for family members (i.e. me).

The realization came when she kidnapped me after work on Monday, begging me to come to her house to unload her groceries (begging not neccessary, of course, but she felt I needed to FEEL needed...). Afterwards, I sat down to visit for a while-- at which point, Mom grabbed a stack of catalogs (Harriet's being topmost) and said, "I've marked a 'few pages'-- tell me what you think!"

**sigh**... That's like when your dad tries on a toupee (I won't even bother adding the superlative "bad" to toupee-- its a given) and asks you, "So, whadda ya think?"

I also realized that there is no graceful way to receive the Harriet Carter book, I've determined. Its contents appeal to the young (12 & under) and the older-- kids love the quirky / naughty / cheap nature of the items, and the oldsters love those same qualities PLUS the added value of all of the "devices" geared towards people who are losing their faculties one by one. There are cheater bi-focal glasses, nose / ear hair trimmers, props to put under the legs of your couch / chair / bed to make it higher & therefore making sitting / rising easier. There is no limit to the useful items sold therein, and so I was prepared to grit my teeth and mutter "How wonderful!" at random intervals.

Thankfully, most of the pages that Mom had dog-eared were gifts targeting non-immediate family members. But hearing Mom enthuse over all of the "great" things in the catalog only served as yet another reminder that roles are being reversed-- the self same woman who, twenty years back told me, "All of the stuff in that book is GARBAGE!" is now waxing rhapsodic over the merits of Santa's face toilet-lid covers & a fiber-optic snowman who sings "Holly Jolly Christmas" when you squeeze his mittened hand.

I've resolved to be grateful for whatever remarkable miracle of plastics I DO receive-- after all, would my life truly be complete without a Days-of-the-Week sock collection? I think not.

What Kind of Tree are you?

You Are An Olive Tree

You're a warm, kind person, and you always seem to be the mediator.Balanced and reasonable, people can count on you to be tolerant.You have a well developed sense of justice - and avoid aggression and violence.Your idea of a perfect day? Reading in the afternoon sun.You are cheerful, sensitive, empathetic, and free of jealousy.

What's" Your Celtic Horoscope?

Courtesy of Gopher / Melonie: I agree with MOST of this report (totally wrong on the jealousy-- why do you think my favorite color is green??) But these quizes are fun, so there you go...

More later-- work has me whipped like nobody's bid-ness...