When I started to compose this post in my mind, I began to wonder if, after more than a year's time elapsing between the last post and this, would there be any reader(s?) left out there who noticed that I'd posted? Would anyone in the blogosphere even register that I'd thrown a post out to any and all passersby?
I'd actually composed several "return" posts in my head, and for reasons unknown I either started them & got interrupted (and failed to save the draft), or the nugget for a juicy post flitted through my brain at a time when I wasn't near a computer to capture its essence.
Whatever the motivation, if for no other reason than to satisfy my endlessly perverse, obstinate self, I was determined to stick a flag into this day & claim it for ME-- I made up my mind to post SOMETHING. Me, the person who has actually had more items of interest to post about in the past 12 months than at any other time since I started blogging, but who has conversely had that much less time free to sit myself down and write.
In some respects, I've missed the time that I used to spend blogging. It was a level of self-indulgence & blissful escape that I'd forgotten in recent years. As a child, I was always the little girl with her head stuck in a book, so completely lost in a story that people calling my name would swear I was ignoring them... I was accused of "escaping" into books vs living. However, what they often failed to realize was that the one time my ADD mind ever settled down to business was in the arms of a good book. I didn't have the self-understanding to explain to others was that it was only through books that I felt I WAS living-- that the rest of the time, the world whirled by so quickly that all I perceived was a terrifying blur.
Much of this last year has been just such a blur, in some ways terrifying, but in many others, one of my best. I've learned things about myself, about the strength / depth / breadth of human emotion, and about the heart's capacity to grow & evolve, despite love and loss. This was the first year I spent without my grandmother's sage advice and dry, randy humor on tap to rally me through life's storms. A year ago today she left this mortal coil, and its been a bittersweet time of feeling like a boat propeller with part of a blade missing. The other blades kept turning as usual, trying to propel my lifeboat foreward. But without the proper balance that Grandma lent to things it was hard to do more than watch my craft spin in lazy circles.
But live I have, and moved forward in my journey. Such is the nature of time in its passage. One of my favorite quotes regarding the unrelenting march of time comes from the classic story "Anne of Avonlea". Young Anne is writing to Marilla about the approach of final exams, how she fears not being successful. Her whimisical concluding observation is to state, "I assume the sun will continue rising and setting whether I pass geometry tomorrow or not."
In much the same way, I've been accepting the backlash (if you will) of letting my blog go stale while I was off gadding about, ignoring my love of writing. I was at first a bit sad, then annoyed, when I realized a few months ago that my blog had been removed from several other writers' blogrolls. "Who do they think they are??" I demanded, "removing MY blog from their lists!" Did they assume that, because I let a fe-e-e-ew little months go by without posting, that I had in effect stopped THINKING? Stopped having thoughts, ideas, whimsies worthy of sharing? And in almost the same moment that I was tempted to grow indignant over the perceived slight, I also said, "Do I really believe that none of THEM have lives, outside of blogging?" How arrogant of me to assume that, because other people 'have time' to blog that, by default, my own madly busy existence should get a pass card for NOT posting?"
The reality of it all is that it IS sensible that some of my readers have decided that my silence equals an "end" in their eyes. "Gee, if she had something to say to me / us, she'd be on here saying it!" The oppposite couldn't be more accurate. But if, through my silence, my few interested readers have wandered away, then so be it-- I would no more expect people to stare at an empty piece of paper or a blank screen than I would encourage them to keep "visiting my blog, only to see nothing new. I have sought to amuse or entertain through my postings. Heck, if I went to a friend's house regularly & they stopped "being there" (i.e. not posting), I'd think they'd closed up shop & not be bothered as well!
But the main point of having this blog has been to have a PLACE. A place that is mine. A place where friends are welcome, were they visit, share thoughts, then continue on their way.
My point? I am here... I haven't left, I'm still chock full of thoughts & musings. If you're interested enough, and willing to tolerate the occasional silent spell, then know that I AM still here, and all is well.