Why I Drink After Five

To understand why I throw a few back of an evening, I'll share an illustrative tale. In general terms, I work in marketing. If you go by my job description, my main focus is supposed to be around marketing and product development. As I work with a staff that is small and ineffective, I (regrettably) find myself answering calls and helping visitors to the office when the support staff is "otherwise occupied."

NOTE: Boss, Administrative Assistant & Receptionist were all at lunch simultaneously, leaving me to hold down the fort.

1. First visitor - Gentleman arrived who proceeds to tell me his life story (while asking for a city bus schedule). He's originally from Alaska (half Inuit / half Native American), raised by foster parents, been living in Florida (3 different cities), got fed up after hurricanes, came here with 4 friends, this isn't working out, living in Salvation Army shelter in Ohio. Good luck, Quinn. Here's your map.
2. Second visitors - Couple seeking to use the Heritage Area stamp in their travel journals. Normally not noteworthy, but as I have learned all too well, you don't EVER attempt to stamp their book for them. Tree-huggin, National Geographic / Smithsonian Magazine reading academic types who love history and the passion and romance of adventure, but who's panties get in a knot if you smear the ink in their travel journal. Here's your stamp. GTF out of my face.
3. Third visitor - Man comes limping in, asking for a new detailed city map. Proceeds to tell me 1) why he's limping (stubbed toe), 2) why he needs the map (his old one is shot-- he asked me to throw it away), 3) tell me that he's FROM HERE, but just likes maps. Here's your map. Now GO HOME.
4. First caller - Margaret - Woman told me HER life story: how she got our number (old brochure), why she hasn't visited before (broke up with boyfriend she used to travel with), about the deer she saw in her yard this morning ("the buck was E-NORMOUS!") Spent over 10 minutes talking non-stop before giving me her name and address. Here's your brochure. Call back when your meds kick-in.
5. Second caller - Woman with the Catholic diocese called and asked for 50 State Guides and 10 State maps-- but ONLY if they had the new Gov's signature on the back. When she arrived later to pick them up, and saw the maps were different from the ones she wanted, she rejected them with a sigh and asked for 50 visitors guides as well. Then she let me haul the 3 cartons out to her car (she was kind enough to hold the door). Here's your information. Big ups to the Bishop, ok?
6. Third caller - Psychotic motorcoach operator who routinely calls our office (3-5 times a year)-- BIG booming voice with a New York accent. NEVER remembers who he spoke with here, swears no one ever returns his calls to help him, and couldn't I fax some information out regarding his questions? (apparently they don't have Internet in the Old Spice- laden Dark Age in which he's living). I answered his question promptly & and asked if he was with XYZ Tours (he was STUNNED that I knew), to which he immediately offered to take me out to dinner when he comes to town (verbatim words he used last week when he spoke with our receptionist). I told him sweetly that my (non-existent) husband wouldn't appreciate his offer, but thanks for the offer. Here's the phone number. Call me when the Viagra poisoning wears off...
7. Fourth visitor - One of our volunteers, bringing in left-over bus schedules. She has nothing better to do, and wants to chat. She's also dull as paste and makes me long for root canal.
   
8. Fifth Visitor - Stinky grunge chick whose opening comment is, "What's fun to do in this town-- and don't say gambling 'cause I already shot $200 doin' 'at already!" I wanted to offer her some Bacitracin for the nasty, scabby spot where her eyebrow piercing had evidently been forcibly removed, but got distracted by her she-male pal who likewise gallumphed up to the desk and breathed recycled Sonoma (cigarette) breathe on me awaiting the answer to the all-important question. Girls? I don't think you can handle all the fun we have to offer. Keep movin'...
9. Fourth caller - Friend, this time-- but one who needed 3 invoices printed out TODAY for ad placements that went out last year. Each one for a different amount / publication / with different posting dates. Needs them before 5pm. I'll get right on it...
   

All of this went down in less than an hour. Straight up or over ice?