Fire in the Hole - My VD Wish for you

I know I promised (vaguely) a more esoteric, pathos-laden post for today, but in light of the fact that:

1. It's Valentine's Day AGAIN (keeps coming back no matter how hard I protest)
2. I'm one of those goofy adult females who is inordinately entertained by potty humor, and
3. This oldie but goodie came through my e-mail today and I'm too busy to be original
   

I present the following Valentine to my readership. I hope each of you has a day filled with your favorite things (o.k.... maybe not filled, but at least some sprinkles of favorites).

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but
doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not
stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop
has to stink up the bathroom This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very
uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and
is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper
enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always look around the office for the out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.): A group of coworkers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a
pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop
at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,
leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-
COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in
front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other
bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORK-POOP is an inevitable part of life.