One for the thumb

O.k. I wouldn't be a lifelong Pittsburgh "Stillers" football fan if I didn't give props to my boys-- the men in black-and-gold-- who finally brought home "one for the thumb"... the long awaited fifth Super Bowl ring for the Steelers' organization.

In honor of their victory, I've decided to give out my top nominations for idiots eligible to receive my very own One for the Thumb awards (aka Thumby's). This esteemed award will be presented to people who have qualified in one of the following categories:

1. Their thumb is firmly plugging their rectum & needs to be removed (thumb, not rectum)
2. Their thumb is firmly ensconced in their mouth, teet-like, because they are titty-babies who cannot stop sucking and slurping their digit long enough to be productive citizens.
3. They need to have a thumb poked into either orifice in order to stop the flow of useless crap (verbal OR literal) that is coursing out of them, crapping up the lives of those around them.

In the category of "Most Needing Thumb Removed from Posterior":

• The crazy ex-neighbor, who called me at nearly midnight Friday night to see if I would pick her up at the Emergency Room-- then proceded to keep me awake till 2AM running her to an all-night pharmacy, taking her home, then calling me to tell me she "accidently" left a bag of groceries in the trunk of my car and couldn't I bring them to her? BTW: She didn't get them until the next day.

Up for a "Slap a Nipple on that Thing" prize, I offer:

• The friend who demands I spend inordinant amounts of time with him, but who is NOT interested in a relationship, does NOT want to be tied down by a wife / significant other, yet acts like a titty-baby when I am tied up all weekend with family & friend commitments and cannot dance attendance on him-- then announces "we have things to discuss" when you do grace his presence.

And finally, my favorite category, the mythical "Stop the Insanity" trophy:

• Ever have a week that kicks your ass and comes back for more? As you all know, I have been and continue to be without in internet connection in my new office-- despite the fact that I have been in my new office for a month. I have called, visited in person (to no avail) and in every way subjected the internet provider to a barrage of calls and contact attempts that would bury a weaker opponent. Alas, I am still stealing internet like a felon when no one is aware, and cursing the company that turns me criminal. I won't bore you with all of the other minutiae that is making my life crazy at the moment (including the above listed). Just note that my crazy existance compelled me to go out for the past four evenings to spend time with friends, I woke this morning to a nasty not-(for once)-party-related headache, and am taking the afternoon off to go to the funeral of my childhood best-friend's father this afternoon.

And now that I have rambled longer than planned, I will get back to the work I just don't feel like doing.

NEWSFLASH: The internet provider just called to say the phone company will be coming TODAY to wave their wand over my connection, and that the provider's tech will arrive sometime later this week to do HIS thing... ALLE-FRICKIN-LUIA!!!!!!!!!