T.G.I.F. already!

These aren't original to me, but they always give me a chuckle or two ~ (NOTE: Even if I didn't think up all of these pithy comments, I've heard versions of WAY TOO MANY of them issue from my own mouth & the mouths of my friends) DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK Specificity Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon Statistics Impervious IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK Thanks, but I don't want sex. No, I don't want another drink. No pizza for me thank you. Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me. Oral Sex? NO THANK YOU. Good evening officer. I'm not interested in fighting you. No one wants to hear me sing. Me? I cannot dance. I think I should go home early. HANGOVER RATING SYSTEM > One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries. > Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being reeked upon your bowels. > Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy re-runs. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet coke and haven't peed yet!!! > Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five craps you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. > Five Star Hangover (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now. and finally... 21 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night 1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is. 2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around (or is it woo-woo?) 3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too. 4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just 4 hours ago. 5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it. 6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them so-o-o-o-o much. 7. There are less than 3 hours before I'm due to start work. 8. I've found a spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me. 9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher. 10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming. 11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy. 12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it. 13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin. 14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor. 15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..." 16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it. 17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves. 18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap. 19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink. 20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight. 21. I start believing that EVERYONE in the room wants to see my boobs. Have a great weekend!